The Fus

Kafeef the magician was a man on the run in Lebanon for reasons unknown. Determined to evade capture, he had developed a wide variety of fart-based tactics. Whenever he was being chased for example, he would let out a sudden burst of gas, which would produce large gas clouds and momentarily distract his pursuers allowing him to slip away unnoticed.

He knew that he needed to keep his pursuers off balance, so he began incorporating more of these tactics into his escape routine. As he ran when spotted, he could let out a series of short, sharp farts that sounded like firecrackers. This would cause his pursuers to jump in surprise, giving Kafeef just enough time to slip around a corner and make his escape.

Despite his best efforts, however, Kafeef knew that he couldn’t keep running forever. He needed a more permanent solution to his problem. Living on the streets and constantly on the run, he had heard about Bundoot, a man who lived in the hills and was rumored to possess a powerful heirloom known as The Fus that could help him escape.

Kafeef soon made his way to Bundoot’s hut, determined to find a way to access The Fus. However, when he arrived, he found that the door was locked and guarded by an angry dog. Kafeef knew that he had to find a way to get past the dog and into the hut.

As he stood there trying to think of a solution, he heard a faint sound coming from the birds in the trees. It was a repetitive sequence of bird farts, played with such precision that it could only have been a clue he thought. Kafeef pondered if this was a way towards accessing the hut, and he quickly set about trying to replicate the code.

After several hours of trying to whistle from his bum, he finally got it right. The door to the hut opened, and the dog wagged its tail happily as Kafeef stepped inside. Bundoot was sitting in the corner, and he nodded approvingly as Kafeef stood aloof in the doorway. “I see you have mastered the art of the bird fart, please sit down and close the door behind you. Don’t pat Kevin.”

“I hear you are in quite a bind,” he continued. “But do not worry, my friend. I may have a solution for you.” With that, Bundoot reached into his pocket and pulled out a small bottle labeled “FARTS.” He uncorked the bottle and took a deep sniff, his eyes rolling back in his head as he enjoyed every moment of the pungent aroma.

Kafeef watched in amazement as Bundoot jiggled about and sniffed the bottle again, then burst into a fit of laughter.

“Did you hear about Davids duck who went for a fly over the big pond? It was just minding its own business, flapping its wings and quacking to itself when it suddenly inhaled a fart.”

Kafeef stared on in confusion.

“The fart settled comfortably in the duck’s stomach and caused him to quack in a way that sounded suspiciously like farts. The duck, who was embarrassed and didn’t know what to do, decided to seek advice from a wise old tree that he knew in the forest.”

“The tree listened as the duck explained his predicament, then chuckled and said, ‘I think I know what’s going on. You’ve got a fart stuck in your stomach. Don’t worry, it’s happened to all of us at some point.”

Bundoot then stopped talking and stared at the ceiling for what felt like an eternity.

“Excuse me, sir,” Kafeef said politely after a couple of minutes. “I appreciate the humor, but I really need to find a way to escape. Can you tell me more about The Fus?”

Bundoot’s expression grew serious as he set the small bottle aside and regained his focus on Kafeef. “Ah, yes,” he said. “The Fus. It is a powerful device, passed down through my family for generations. It has the ability to transport its user to a different dimension, where they can escape the troubles of this one.”

Kafeef’s eyes widened. This was exactly what he had been looking for! “How can I use it?” he asked eagerly. Bundoot proceeded to explain everything, how it would eventually find it’s own way back to the hut, and then sent Kafeef on his way, Fus in hand.

Outside the hut and eager to get started right away, Kafeef wrapped his fingers around the strange device, closed his eyes and focused on a random destination free of his problems. He could feel the power of The Fus flowing through him, and he knew that he was in for a ride.

Suddenly, there was a wet fart sound, and just as Kafeef thought he had soiled himself, he was suddenly propelled forward into an abyss of darkness. He flew through a void for what seemed like about five minutes, his body tingling with excitement and fear. Finally, he landed with a soft thud on a cat, and he opened his eyes to see that he was no longer in Lebanon. Instead, he was in a strange land filled with towering skyscrapers and unusual looking trees.

However, before he could even think about what to do next, he felt a sudden burning at his feet. He looked down and saw that The Fus was glowing brightly. Kafeef realized that The Fus had one more task for him. He watched in amazement as the device began to shake and rumble, and before he knew it, a small object was pooped out onto the ground and then the Fus vanished. Kafeef bent down to take a closer look and saw that it was a tiny usb stick.

Finding the nearest store selling computers, he quickly plugged in the key to one of the first running computers he saw. It seemed to upload itself to the internet and display a fart app in a browser. ‘Truly marvelous!’, Kafeef thought.

Kafeef died the following month from a mosquito bite.